Chapter 3: Things We Don't Want to Talk About

People usually love to talk. They especially enjoy talking about themselves. They will tell you just about any personal detail of their lives if you have a few minutes in the checkout line. If you have a kind, compassionate looking face, beware. My mother purchased a new phone recently, and the young woman assisting her told her all about her life, her co-workers, who was lazy, who was mean, and who did not deserve the boyfriend she had! This was all over the course of about thirty-five minutes. I am always amazed at how so many people want to share their life stories with her. It is both a gift and a curse. She laughingly says she has no clue how it happens, but it always does. It might be that they instinctively know that she is a loving, caring person in a sometimes cold, cruel world. Whatever it is, my mother has it in abundance. I, on the other hand, prefer to not make eye contact with people. Being true to my introverted ways, I mind my own business and read a book or look at my phone while waiting for whatever it is I am waiting for. Unless it is a child. If a little kid looks up at me and tries to engage me in some way, I will talk with them until I am called away. We should never ignore children. They are learning and growing and forming their ideas about life. Even when approached in a parking lot, I will break my hard and fast rule about never opening my purse in a parking lot, if it is for a kid. When I see that little face approaching me, carting their box of whatever it is they are selling for whatever reason—school program, sports group, scouts, or they just need the money, if I am able, I will always help them. I pretty much have my wallet in hand before they open their mouths. I try to show them my best self; teach them that the world can be a caring place and that they are valued for who they are. See? People love to talk about themselves.

But there are also things we do not want to talk about…things that make us feel uncomfortable. Who wants to feel uncomfortable? We already know it is not polite to discuss religion and politics, and who wants to anyway? But we are also reluctant to discuss other important issues, like weight. In my family, it has largely been ignored. I understand not wanting to hurt or offend others, and I agree, in general, but there are times when you have to look at the situation head on and deal with it. I recently started to honestly discuss my issues with weight gain and obesity with my family members, and the situation is improving. One of my family members and I now have a deal, when I reach my weight goal, they will stop an unhealthy addictive bad habit they have developed (vaping). That is another big incentive for me to get to my goal weight!

For many years, decades even, the media has depicted thin as normative, and this has had numerous negative effects. Many people have been alienated, excluded from our society. Many people have been degraded. One change I have noticed recently in the media is that finally, many companies get it, or seem to get it, or at least realize they had better get it, and they now showcase people of various sizes as representatives for their products or businesses. I think we are seeing the beginnings of real change, and this will greatly benefit many people. Although plus size women do not wear a size 12, like many of the women in the advertisements. Plus sizes usually start at a size 16; a size 12 is an average, typical size. This is at least a beginning of inclusion and representation in the media—not all spokeswomen are wearing sizes zero to two anymore, so it is a step in the right direction. It is vital that all people, regardless of any other factors, are accepted, included, loved, and seen.

As a society most of us have realized that we should not do or say things that might cause pain for others. We should always strive to be kind to all people. It may not always be easy to do, some people can seem so unlikeable, but unkindness and exclusion can be devastating. Never exclude anyone. The pain that is created by exclusion can destroy lives. Be kind. Be inclusive. And there is no need to say unkind words to people. The old adage If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all is basically true.

When dealing with people with weight issues, never use cruel words, even if it seems like it is just a harmless joke, it can cause deep wounds. That smile on the outside may be an attempt to mask the intense feelings of pain on the inside. I hate the word obese; it fills me with self-loathing. It is a painful and hurtful word to me because it represents a severely unhealthy degree of weight gain and a loss of control. It ultimately represents failure. I feel degraded and embarrassed by this, yet it is just a medical term describing what I have become with the unhealthful excess weight. I have to face the truth of it and learn to deal with it without others voicing their negative opinions on the matter. That just makes it much more difficult. Honest discussions with kindness and consideration with your medical team and family members can be helpful, but judgments, ridicule, and condemnation can be left at the door. I am dealing with the fact that I am overweight. I am fat. I am obese. Actually, in all honesty, I am severely obese. If I cannot face the reality of my situation to my own self, how will I ever find the strength to fix it and improve my life? I have several choices. I can wallow in my pain. I can assign blame to others—I may be obese, but it is not my fault, or I could whine about it, but what good would that do me? I would just have to add “whiner” to my list of flaws. Just to be clear here, I can say that I am fat, you cannot. Dealing with my weight problem is my personal journey, and it is difficult enough to deal with without other people commenting in a negative, hurtful way on a part of my life that is incredibly challenging for me in a visible, public, and oftentimes painful way.

Even many in the medical field are hesitant to state the reality of being significantly overweight, at least face to face. My doctors do not approach the subject of weight with me. I am not faulting them for this. Remember, this is the painful, ignored subject that no one wants to talk about. But since I have been dealing with elevated blood pressure for a number of years, the subject of the correlation between elevated blood pressure and obesity should perhaps have been discussed. We do not want to make others feel uncomfortable. We do not want to tell them they are overweight and that it is contributing to their health issues. Perhaps some even feel animosity towards the overweight and simply do not want to deal with it. There already may be an implicit bias against the obese. Fat people are lazy, less intelligent, and not as important as thin people, are just some of the stereotypical views held by more than just a few people. Others may not want to create more severe eating disorders by discussing weight issues, but the reality is that I already have an eating disorder. It is not being addressed and that is killing me.

One suggestion might be that our physicians receive training regarding the ways that could make broaching the subject of maintaining a healthful weight more palatable, more effective. I brought up the subject of weight loss to a medical doctor when I was in my 40s, and he said that at my age it was next to impossible. What? Well, that sure is a defeatist attitude. Talk about discouraging! Since I was basically told by a medical professional that it was impossible for me to lose weight, guess what I did? That’s right, I did nothing. At the very least he should have referred me to a nutritionist. It took a lot on my part to even bring it up at all. No wonder so many do not bother asking for qualified help while trying to achieve a healthy weight goal. It is embarrassing and pointless. I knew I needed help and my attempts to help myself up to that point in time had been unsuccessful. I did not know what to do, but I was willing to try just about anything. Many people turn to the quackery found online in search of one with a promise of quick results, a seemingly sympathetic and understanding ear, and an easy-to-use payment method. Out of intense desperation we search for an answer. The medical industry could save many, many millions of dollars annually if more people could maintain a healthful weight. And people would have a significantly higher quality of life if they were more mobile and simply felt better about themselves. That is a win-win situation worthy of the effort.

When speaking with one of my kind, attentive doctors while I was in the hospital with Covid, we were discussing the disease and I explained to him that my entire family tried so hard not to get Covid but despite numerous preventative measures, it spread throughout our household before we had a clue what was going on. I brought up the fact that I was overweight and believed it was a contributing factor to my having such a difficult time. As we discussed Covid, as kindly, as gingerly as he could, he mentioned that “yes, Covid favors the thin.” He did not want to just come out and say that because I was overweight, I had a much more difficult time than my family members who were not. I appreciated his sensitivity and compassion, but I also wanted to understand as much as I could about the weight aspect of Covid severity. I might have never seen my family again because of the way Covid attacks many of those who are obese. We do not want to talk about it—I do not really want to hear it—yet it must be dealt with and understood. This problem falls right in the lap of our medical teams. They are the ones with the knowledge and most doctors are better equipped to deal with this in a compassionate manner. Unfortunately, their plates are pretty full right now trying to save as many lives as possible from Covid-19 and all its variants. Clearly Covid does indeed favor the thin. Those of us who are able need to fight with all we have to join those on the favored Team Thin and help our own cause. Our very existence may depend upon it.

I am extremely lucky. I do realize how fortunate I am. Many thousands, many hundreds of thousands, are not as fortunate as I was. As a Covid survivor, I am not going to take this opportunity for granted. I want to take all that I have learned from my experience and help others as much as possible. Reducing the risk of being hospitalized with the coronavirus and the increased possibility of dying is vital. Not only is Covid likely here to stay, but so are heart disease, diabetes, strokes, and certain forms of cancer—obesity increases the risk of or the severity of all these diseases. There is nothing that I have ever eaten, and I have tried every delectable dish I have ever wanted, that is worth getting any of these diseases. I have come to the realization that it is time for me to face the reality of my problem with weight and find a workable solution. There are times when I eat too much, especially during times of emotional turmoil. I make many poor choices of what to eat. I overcommit myself and then run out of time needed to prepare healthy meals and end up grabbing something fast—which almost always means unhealthy. I do not always manage my stress in the most healthful manner. I definitely do not get enough movement in my life. By making reasonable changes in these areas, I will lose this unhealthy weight and become a more active, healthful person. I want to encourage each person to thrive and to live life at your optimum size. We do not need to be twigs, but we don’t need to be the entire trunk either.

Understand that the desire to offer assistance to others facing the severity of obesity does not mean that I endorse any of the societal pressures to conform to certain body images or excessive thinness. The desire to be at a healthy weight and reduce the medical complications that often accompany obesity is the springboard for this plan. When I have made excuses for myself over the years for various reasons, they may have excused my behavior at the time, but in the long run did nothing to help me. It is a medical fact that obesity is unhealthy. It is a truth that obese people with Covid have a greater risk of serious illness and death. If we face the truth of the situation it may be possible to lose the excess weight and extend our lives. I would not ask anyone to do anything that I am not already doing. I am sharing what is working for me in the hopes that it may help others with similar issues, and believe me, it is not easy baring my soul to the world. Being this vulnerable is an enormous challenge...I hope I am up for it.

Most of us already know that yo-yo dieting is unhealthy. The lose-weight-gain-weight-repeat cycle can be detrimental to our health, and who wants to go back to their old patterns of eating when those former patterns failed miserably? They are at least part of what got us into this predicament. As earlier stated, diets fail, at least all of the ones that I have tried. I am not on a diet. I am changing my life by changing my eating habits and exchanging a sedentary lifestyle for an active one. I am doing all of this so I can live a full and rich life. I am fully aware that my healthful life plan is a lifetime commitment. I do not think of it as a “diet” that I start, reach my goal weight, and then discontinue. Because I have a serious eating disorder, I am working hard to establish new, lifelong habits and new ways of nourishing myself, both physically and emotionally. I will need to continue to monitor myself for as long as it is necessary. I know that it will become easier with the passing of time and the more that my new habits become second nature to me, but monitoring myself will be necessary so I never fall back into the old patterns of inactivity, sugar addiction, and emotional overeating. I am happy to do this for myself—I am grateful for the opportunity. It seems like a small price to pay to have my life back. And although I do not really want to talk about it, I am going to put it out there for all to see. I am committed to letting others know how seriously devastating Covid can be for those of us who are obese, and that we can do things now to help ourselves to avoid this horrible ordeal.